Poutine Evaluation

The Five Measure Evaluation Metric

A Word or Two About Poutine Guy's Evaluation Metric

Every reviewer has their particular metric for evaluating the meals put before them. Some are as simple as they enjoyed the meal or they didn't. Others include the service or the ambiance of the restaurant. And yet others say things like, "The food was far better when there wasn't a two month waiting list for a reservation."

My metric is the same and different. Let's face it. I'm talking about poutines here and not haute cuisine. But, poutines are increasingly being found in the snootiest of establishments at the snootiest of prices. So, while three of my five measures are based on the three major food groups that make up a poutine (potato, cheese, and fat), the remaining two tackle value-for-money and expectations. These latter two are seen in other guises, but I contend that my use of the five measures is not only unique in the poutine world, but also vastly superior to others. Yes, I can be snooty too!

Curds

Salty, squeaky, soft, subtle. How can one not love the cool cheddar curd topping and its intermingling with the fries and gravy? Regarding curds, there are two things that can make or break a good poutine. First, the quantity of curds or the ratio of curds to fries. There is likely such a thing as too many, but I have yet to meet a poutine where that is the case. However, I can foresee drawbacks to too many curds, such as the saltiness factor going through the roof along with the price.

The second make or break issue is the size of the curds. I don't know how many times I've had a poutine loaded with small pebble-sized curds ... how disappointing. These little fellas melt away and lose their squeakiness in a matter of seconds. This is a common error in chain restaurants.

Fries

There are two essential parts to fries: crispiness and saltiness. Historically, Québécois fries used for poutine were twice-fried so that they formed a hardy exterior, while maintaining a soft inner goodness.

The fries are also where the poutine chef can best control the saltiness of the dish as a whole. Curds and gravy are naturally salty. Having overly salted fries can ruin the meal, so cutting back on the sodium can potentially save it.

Gravy

Gravy, or gravy-like as some places call it, requires a number of must-haves to be considered adequate. It needs to be Goldilocks. By that I mean it must fall within the middle of a range. It must be thick enough to stick to the fries, but thin enough to drip through all the way to the bottom. It must be hot enough so that the dish is not served cold, but cool enough so as to not overly melt the curds. And, it must be salty, but not too salty.

Gravy can also be the topping of a poutine. For example, in a Pizza Poutine (not to be confused with a Poutine Pizza a la Pizza Hut, quelle Fail that is), the "gravy" would be the pizza toppings; in a Poutine Italienne, the gravy would be the spaghetti sauce used.

Value-for-money

This is a straight measure of how much did the poutine cost in actual dollars compared to the size of the meal on the plate, in the box, tin, whatever. Basically, did it fill your gut without emptying your wallet? It does not include future consequences stemming from the additional costs to the health care system or the cost of a reduced quality of life for embracing a diet that includes poutines.

Other reviewers will often speak about a dish being overpriced or the serving being too small or both. A value-for-money (VFM) measure is precisely that. Some reviewers care very little about this measure. For example, this fellow, when speaking about a Lobster Poutine in Montreal, "The dish was expensive--$19 for a very small portion—but (and I am cheap) I really felt like I would have paid more. It was incredible." Utilizing my metric, the dish would have failed the VFM measure, but it may have done extremely well on other measures. This reviewer seems to simply brush off the cost factor, as though everyone can fork over 19 bucks for a poutine. Mind you, a drawback of my metric could be that a Costco poutine does much better in a metric that includes a VFM measure than one that does not.

Expectations

Ever finish a poutine and think, "That should have been better."? I certainly have. Ever finish another and think, "Yeah, that's pretty much what I thought I was getting" or "Holy crap! Where did this masterpiece come from?"

Those sentiments sum up this measure. Going back to the Costco example in VFM, when you visit Costco and order a poutine, you should know what you’re expecting, and therefore it turns out to be an alright poutine because you weren't expecting the gold, silver or even bronze medal of poutines. The same is true when you visit a place with poutine or poutinerie in their name. You expect, and should be expecting, near perfection at these establishments. A restaurant with a reputation for great poutine is in a similar gravy boat.

There You Have It

Curds, fries, gravy, VFM, and expectations are the five measures that make up Poutine Guy's poutine evaluation metric. Simply put, these are added up and divided by five to arrive at a percentage. Très simple. Maybe too simple. For like any other measurement tool, it has its faults and it's not always fair – VFM and expectations in particular can do some funky things to the numbers. But, that's what makes this unique and makes Poutine Guy who he is.